I don't usually post a lot about personal things here. I have my reasons for that. Among them are two; self disclosure is awkward and, second, I grow increasing weary of people sharing everything with everybody through Facebook, and Twitter, and other electronic media (like this "Blog" :-))... but I am feeling compelled to share today. So please bare with me.
I am bored and feeling like a change is coming!
I have to say that I am even reluctant to write the words because given what others are challenged with every day, my being bored seems so.. well, trivial and self absorbed. I can hear my Grandmother telling me, "Get over yourself!" And yet it feels real and palpable and important for me. As I have examined this state of affairs I am finding out is how much time I spend on things that feel like wasted time. I am also re-learning that although the circumstances of my life are not always exciting, they tend to change only when I do.
I admit that I read too much "junk"; from books, magazines to the internet. I listen to too much sports talk radio (I do love my Portland Trailblazers and San Francisco Giants, though!). My meditations are shorter and not as fulfilling and my retirement coaching practice has lost some of its importance and luster just as I have lost some of my coaching sharpness. Wow...in "coach speak", I guess I'm really not fully showing up for my life!
This morning I talked to a dear friend and counsel about this, saying "I'm Just Bored!". Then my friend was lovingly direct enough to remind me that every moment is a practice in the art of living. I am reminded that my life is a continual series of choices. That if I was feeling bored it was because I was making choices (and not always conscious ones) that were "boring". Life is always a creative process which I must work on every day with mindfulness, diligence and, I hope, healthy doses of grace, humor, and forgiveness. I have lost some of those qualities with all my doing and stimulation seeking.
It is also coming home to me that the answer is not going to be in finding other things to fill the spaces that seem more exciting. (Flyfishing in Yellowstone, hiking in my beloved Steens Mountains, chartering a sailboat in the San Juan islands, volunteering in a foreign country have all come up.) The results I seek are going to be found when I can go inside and answer the question I usually challenge my clients with....How can I transform myself and make a positive difference in my family or community or the world?
If there is a spiritual lesson in every moment what can I learn from a flyfishing trip to Yellowstone? Or is it just another line in my already pretty full life resume? I don't have the answer, but this morning I signed up for a meditation class which I hope will help me find more quiet and grounding.
I am also trying to draw strength from the fact that if every day and in every moment others who are perhaps being tortured, or starving, dying or grieving rise above these things, I can rise above the frustration of being stuck in life.
Thanks for reading this and I hope my wanderings are somehow helpful in your own intentional aging journey.
I think I'll go for a walk now..without my iPod!
"Old men should be explorers!"