Wisdom and Age

Does wisdom really increase with age, or is it something we bestow to elders because we can't think of anything else nice to say?

Dr. George Vaillant inquires about this question in his book, Aging Well. He ask if perhaps we as a culture give too much credibility to the wisdom of oldsters. He poses the question "Do we endow the elderly with wisdom only as a good-hearted effort to jolly them along...or is wisdom a special boon that life bestows upon the elderly? Or were the wise always that way and in old age we finally notice it? Or perhaps the reason that we associate wisdom with age is simply that, unlike motor skills, sexual prowess, and memory, wisdom does not usually decline with the passing years?"

I don't claim to know the answer to this paradox and any or all could be true. And, according to Vaillant, there have been many scholarly attempts to quantify 'wisdom' with no real definitive answer. However, I do have a personal sense that wisdom is somehow associated with the ability to be comfortable with ambiguity and uncertainty. I also have a belief that older people have the potential to be much wiser than their younger counterparts just because they have more experiences to draw on. At least I want to believe that.

I also wonder if there are a few qualities that are reflected in a wise person. These may include being empathetic, showing tolerance, being self-aware, having a sense of wonder about the world around them, displaying moral discernment, seeing the irony and humor in life, a well developed common sense, and a discernment of when to speak their minds at the appropriate time.

As I write this I am particularly drawn to the last item. A discernment of when to speak their minds when it will have the most impact. Wisdom is the opposite of being self-absorbed. I don't have scientific data to back this up but I have found this quality in 20 somethings and 80 somethings in about the same percentages. So what is it that we see in elders that we associate as wisdom?

How many of us have felt "trapped" in a conversation with and oldster who wants to tell us "the way it should be"? I have, and I admit that, at times, I have been the one doing the telling and have noticed the glazed eyes and the uncomfortable distracted stares as I tell "the truth according to DR". Somehow, I just know or feel in my body that this is not a quality of being wise!

Then maybe wisdom has something to do with knowing the right time to speak up? When to ask questions and when to pull out an example from the past that adds perspective to a discussion or maybe solve a problem in the present. I wonder if this is the quality that is most affected by maturity, knowledge and intelligence and as such is what we see in oldsters that we think of as "wisdom" that maybe is not as developed in younger "wise" individuals? Perhaps it is this quality that has the best chance to be on display in the second half of life.

I'm really curious about this topic. What do you think? What is it to be a wise person?

Being Young At Heart

"I want to die young at an advanced age." Journalist Max Lerner

I notice young children a lot! How they see the world. How they live in almost constant wonder. I'm also curious when they stop? What is it that we do to them that forces them to lose that wonder?

Ever notice when a child comes in to a room where there is a parent and grandparent together. The child immediately zeroes in on the grandparent and the parent becomes almost superfluous. In fact the grandparent usually becomes more child-like. Maybe that is the attraction!

Try to find that sense of a child's wonder in yourself in each day!

My Song

One of my life's secret desires (Besides finding the World's Best Cinnamon Roll!) has been to write songs. I love quirky lyrics about life, love, and maturing and felt like I could do that too. But after many attempts over the years I was drawing a blank. I just did not know how to spark the creativity I thought I had inside to get anything on to paper and guitar. So I did what many people do, I gave up!

My reasons were: too old, too uncreative, and too silly! Sound familiar?

Well then came Zoe! A 77 year old woman who I met last summer. Zoe had sparks in her eyes and fire in her belly and she had just taken up playing the ukulele last year and was also writing songs. Not the kind of songs that would ever make it to the "Top 40" list. Just songs about her cat and her garden and her favorite places. Precious songs that only meant something to her.

When I told her my tale of woe about my trials with songwriting. "Well listen Mister", she said "you just get going and get your songs out! The world is a better place when it hears your song!"

I was inspired and motivated by Zoe and last weekend attended the NW Writers Workshop where one writing opportunity was song writing. And at the end of the weekend I had my first song. Imagine! Ol' "too old, too uncreative, and too silly" me! (A little "country and western" ditty.)

I feel rejuvenated and somehow happier maybe even a bit "giddy". I have been walking around with a little more "zip" in my step and my brain feels like it is getting used in new ways. I'm even half way through my second song and ideas are churning up to the surface during the day and in dreams at night. But most importantly I feel that with this one success I can have others and I am seeing more room for opportunities in life in general.

Imagine, all as a result of this old guy taking a little risk to write one uncreative and silly country song!

Bless you Zoe!

Now it's your turn! What is your secret desire that has gone unfulfilled?

Advice Is Cheap!

"Advice about life is now so cheap and abundant, it floods us from email greetings, tea bags, coffee cups, and the sides of city buses..." Richard Leider, Something to Live For
(...and blogs like this one, too! :-))

I wish I could just take someone's advice from the side of a bus or a tea bag and be successful in this time of life. My life challenges these days come from not knowing where to turn to get support to be different than I was in the first half of life.

When I was younger and on a career path I knew what I had to do to "succeed" and I gathered resources and advisers to help me. But, you see, I had a blueprint of things I needed to be, do, or have to be successful. I also had people in front of me who had walked a similar career path who I could observe, lean on and learn from.

It isn't the same for this time of life. There is no checklist, map or blueprint for how I can be successful in my life after age 60. Each of us is making it up as we go! There is no other person who I can look to who understand exactly what I need to do to be successful. This one I have to own and create.

So where do we turn for support, nurturing and unconditional love in the second half of life. I many cases it is not our family of origin as they have a comfortable vision of us as we have been in the first half as provider, nurturer, cook, teacher, healer or just Mom. They are reluctant to let that go. Even our old affiliations (church, community, schools, etc) don't always bring the type of unconditional support essential to being true to your self in the second half.

So I guess we must look to new and different and maybe nontraditional places. For me this has included joining an "Elders Council" group where 6-10 people come together once a month and share and discuss the whole aging process. Physical and mental health, spirituality, finding meaning, passion, volunteering etc. are often the topics of discussion. I also have joined two organizations which bring together the younger generation and "olders" in community service projects. I learn something from each and also feel like I can be my true self in these situations. Which helps.

However, I have discovered that the most important thing for me at this time of life is to listen to others. In the first half of life I got paid for solving problems and having the answers for the organization or family. Frankly I didn't have time to really listen deeply. Now I listen more and answer less. The wisdom from the "20 somethings" to "80 somethings" is all around us. There is amazing wisdom there that I can apply to my own life. Like the meaning of modern relationships and family and community. What is important to them is not so different from what I value. It just comes packaged differently.

If you want to create this time of life differently than your earlier life, then do something different! As the saying goes "If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always gotten!". Get inspired and engage your community in new ways that reflect your values and passions. And in my opinion the world can use all the intentional agers it can get!